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I hate hesitating. I really hate it. Especially when it comes to doing something I know deep down I really want to do (so much so that it borders on need).
It is the result of an uncertain mind. It is caused by the shadow of fear. Of doubt.
And I do it all the damn time. I have for most of my life. This is the result of trying to keep myself in balance, hesitating out of fear of diving too deep into that thing, be it writing a novel or running long distances (two things on which I’m working but have only just scratched the surface). Because it’s “safer” to be balanced, right?
Indeed. The payoff of hesitation came into question for me again recently after I read a New York Times piece by Brad Stulberg, Maybe We All Need a Little Less Balance. It’s an essay that really hit home for me, because it talks a lot about the essence of going all in on something that truly matters to you, something that, despite your inner resistance telling you otherwise, is what you’re here for, what drives you, what makes your heart beat, what really cranks your deep-down hum up an octave.
And to do that, to actually go all in, to reduce this balance, you do need, I think, to be a bit off balance. And the reason is because you’re going beyond the normal train of thought, beyond that standard daily in-motion mental pattern of just mindlessly doing what you do every day (whatever that is; for everyone this is different, but it may look similar for many). To go all in, you need to think differently than you have in the past.
This doesn’t mean going out of your way to seem “weird” or act in a strange way or anything like that. Going all in doesn’t mean putting everything else aside and only focusing on that one thing (sacrificing other things that truly matter to you for this thing, I feel, is counter-productive; our hearts are wide-ranging, and we need to allow ourselves to breathe the air of different environments and people and experiences. We’re puzzles. Puzzles aren’t whole when you focus on just one piece). What I’m talking about is taking that one thing and going beyond the “dabbling” stage to “eyes-deep-until-I’m-done” stage.
Going all in is a matter of reducing the noise of hesitation. It is the opposite of dabbling, the opposite of holding back.
Now, for someone like me — who has spent quite a large portion of his life tip-toeing around those things that most call to him, starting-but-not-finishing, hesitating, allowing the shadow umbrella of uncertainty to hold him back — this actually has a significant impact on my normal train of thought.
Let me step back and explain. Here are some standard “keep on balance” excuses I’ve told myself:
“Maybe I’ll just run a mile today, keep it easy. Or actually maybe I’ll wait until tomorrow, I’ll have more time.”
“Maybe I’ll write a paragraph today, or do only one page of my Morning Pages.”
“Maybe I’ll just work on the blog today and the novel tomorrow.”
Balance, in my experience, has been nothing more than a mutated form of procrastination in this sense, a way of holding back out of fear. It is the essence of doing the bear minimum just to check off the box.
The paradox here, I’ve found, is that when I’ve put in my true effort, when I’ve actually gone all-in on something, when I’ve exhausted myself from “putting in the work” (which does not actually feel like work in the traditional sense, because in the traditional sense work to me is more defined as something you have to do as a means to an end rather than something that will help you grow and will help you accomplish what you’re here to do) — when I’ve written to my capacity for the day, when I’ve risen early to run despite internal screams to stay in bed, when I feel exhausted from that all-in effort, I actually feel another “balance” occur.
This “balance? It’s the result of responding to the call of the deep-down hum . . . it’s the river-flow we’re all able to create within.
If you’re looking to go beyond this train of thought, as I’m working to do, I encourage you to read Stulberg’s article, let me know your thoughts on balance (and going beyond it). I think it’s a topic we should be speaking more about, not hiding from.
Now, lean forward and fall into what calls to you.
